Flushed Away. . .

It was the dead of the night. Ghastly silence was pervading all over.  He was neck deep into the unbelievable sexscapades of Trucker Max’s  ‘I HOPE THEY SERVE BEER IN HELL’ and getting a slighty stiffy when the noob roommate comes running to him at an alarming pace shouting along the way  “Bro, Bro we have a problem bro”  He placates the trebled being with an assured smile and enquires of him the cause for the chakras of his body to disorient emnating a black aura. The noob looks at guru-awesome’s  cool and assuring smile and breaks down uncontrollably. Guru awesome places his strong hands reassuringly on his shoulders in a un-romantic fashion and pats him on the bum in a gay fashion and asks him to reveal the issue that has been piercing his soul like a poisoned thorn.

“I was taking a dump and was almost done when the phone began to ring. I was in a hurry to answer the call so I miscalculated the amount of toilet paper and drew more than the prescribed quota for today  and I now have clogged the entire pot. It’s one huge titanic out there. Sob.Sob. Big sob. I am so totally fucked. The remaining guys are gonna gang bang me on this. Sob. Sob. Many sobs. I dont wanna be gang banged please save me.”

Guru- Awesome kicks ass in tight holed high pressure situations like this when the shit is gonna hit the floor if not he fan. He tells the young noob to get a bucket and a mop asap. They are gonna kick the shit outta this floating shit. The young noob in order to prove the loyalty to the cause rushes away almost immediately like a rocket with it’s ass on fire. Guru awesome treads towards the no man’s land. The place is a terrible land of (occasional)darkness, fear and stench, inhabited by little golden brown men and other evil liquid like creatures. High walls on three sides formed a nearly impenetrable defense around Pot land. Guru- Awesome is unfazed in the face of the impending struggle for he has a secret that he alone knows. Guru- Awesome is CAPTAIN FLUSH.

captain flush

“ I AM CAPTAIN FLUSH ! And now this puny brown world will bow down to me! whichever loo  I go, the ethnic cleansing will follow! It’s My turn to exact revenge on this sometimes-hard, sometimes-soft, uneven and unpleasant world! I cease to be Guru-Awesome and transforms into CAPTAIN FLUSH!” He is a member of The League of Flushers which has been a check against toilet blockage for thousands of years. They sacked Roman toilets, loaded trade ships with little brown men, burned lavatories in London  to the ground. Every time a toilet reaches the pinnacle of its decadence, they return to restore the balance.

He dresses in green in lieu with Barack Bhai green policy of reducing waste and creating more jobs. He wears the graduation badge from the world sewerage institute that bears sign of the holly sewer lid (four equal parts to represent cleanliness, reputation, effectiveness, termination)  and huge A in blue representing the toilet seat that gave him his life’s purpose. And that huge tail which was due to a genetic mutation in his bowels when a flooded pot has imploded underneath him. He held his weapon of unimaginable doom. The little brown men quivered at the sight of it.  The Universal Plunger; which he had won in the world loo conference defeating several other worthy opponents in multi tiered cleanup events . It had more attachments to it than the gadgets of all the James Bond movies put together. Old pot land saying “when the green man approaches there is no shitting around just flushing away.”

The Noobs armed with a mop runs towards the treacherous territory like a foot solider ready to lay his life in the line of battle. But Captain Flush can’t risk revealing his true identity to the world yet. He Opens the doors in a sudden motion on to the forehead of the unsuspecting noob. And like a typical bollywood/tollywood movie villain’s countless goons, is knocked out cold onto the hard wooden floor as a rat shrieks and runs under him. Captain Flush is relaxed now. he bolts the door from inside. He shouts the fiercest and the most colorful expletives to the little brown men. Working with the skill of a master who has been there and seen that he quickly stops the water flowing into the tank. And in the next instant with a net fishes out the rose embossed soiled paper. He starts pumping and humping the plunger. He goes at it with full gusto and vigor and the titanic is three fourth sunk already. Once the confetti is out of the way he can concentrate more clearly on the issue. Little brown men are firing darts at him from the sinking ship. He dodges them with the skill of Neo from the matrix. And in one final push sinks the ship like they say in old sailor lingo ‘hook, line and sinker’ The sound of the final flush removing all traces of the incident sounds to him like the thousand trumpets being blown by angels a heaven’s golden gates. He does a better job of cleaning up the crime scene than Samuel L. Jackson in the cleaner. He steps outside and transforms back to the always cool guru-awesome aand wakes up the noob. The noob is bedazzled. Guru – Awesome explains the ills of consuming phenol before work to him and sends him on his way to rehab and gets back to his book. The phone rings it’s special caller tone. It is high command calling. The caller on the line identifies himself and tells him that the next assignment is arriving in gmail and this new mission was gonna be tough because the  new guy not only blocked up pots , but has spread stench, clogged up pipelines and sewer terrorism. He has a  taste for the theatrical, just like captain flush and  leaves a calling card. The attached picture in the mail shows  *****

On a small screen far away a little brown man turns off his plasma screen.

little Brown man’s son : Captain Flush ? CFLUSH ! Why is he hiding , Dad?
little Brown man: Because we chase him.
little Brown man’s son: He didn’t do anything wrong.
little Brown man: Because he’s the hero that Pot Land deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So, we’ll chase him, because he can take it. Because he’s not our hero. He’s a silent guardian of this world. A watchful controller. A pot knight.

P.S. This and this (watch at your own discretion and watch related videos of randy marsh in the final act) Inspired this shitty post.

Y.A.P.S  The Awesome tag after Guru is proprietary of God – Awesome and which I copied without even asking him and I’m now guessing he’s already spinning crazy like shit that’s being flushed down.

3 thoughts on “Flushed Away. . .

  1. i’m reminded of what some said (Akshay I think) Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain and that is where shitty ideas come from !!!

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