I need answers, like right now

note: insanely long rant

Save me, I’m lost
Oh lord, I’ve been waiting for you
I’ll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I’m looking for – Carolina Liar – Show Me What I’m Looking For

He woke up to the ring-ring of the phone. The call was from India. A relative had passed away after a prolonged battle with an illness. His mom was telling him to call the young widow and console her for her loss. The call ended as he walked up to the balcony of his 31st floor apartment. The cold tiled floor felt like a knife beneath his naked feet. The news of the sudden death had shattered his nice vodka induced   slumber. The view from the balcony was breath taking; it had to be, after all it was an apartment bang in the middle of times square, the so called cross roads of the world. He glanced at the million lights and awe inspiring billboards. A milling populace of tourists were navigating their way through the Madison avenue executives (like himself) vision of material heaven. At 29 he had it all. The money, the swagger, a horde of  one night stands with skank’s; a life many could just dream of. Tonight’s call had shook something primitive in him. Unable to place a fine finger on what it was he headed back to the bar in the living room. He poured himself a tall glass of scotch and snorted a line of the finest Colombian coke. As the ecstasy hit he turned up the music and downed the glass in one go. He tripped towards the tv and fiddled the remote. TV9 was on. A sex scandalized Godman was the topic of breaking news. He couldn’t differentiate which more scandalizing the Godman caught copulating or the dangerously low blouse of the anchor. As further details poured in he watched appalled as the sex guru who picture was being flashed was his own Guru !  Chamatkaar in morning; balatkaar in the evening was the running scroll beneath. He grabbed the always on standby packed travel case and headed out to JFK.

After 26 hours of journey half way around the world he arrived at the ashram. The media junket snapped up pictures as he made his way in. Since he was an old devotee and a  high profile one a private darshan was immediately granted. The Guru looked lost in deep mediation as he entered his private chambers. The usurer signaled him to take a seat and do some pranayama. He gave him the middle finger. The Guru gradually opened his eyes  muttering undecipherable sanskrit sounding chants. He was too restless for the Guru to start talking and blurted out : “WTF man ! You’re a Godman for Shankara’s sake. Revered and worshipped for your mastery of the mysterious forces of bramhan. How could you defile your holiness by indulging in such primitive lowly carnal acts. Jesus, I feel so insulted to be counted as your ardent devotee.”

Guru: “ Son. It’s easy to find God today, but hard to find hidden cameras”

“ Stop with the gags will you. Don’t fuck with my head.”

Guru: “Why are you so angry son ? Blurt it out so that the force can be restored to it’s balance in you.”

“ I feel cheated. When I took you for my Guru I truly believed you were above the vagaries that plague us humans. Turns out you are just a pretentious douche who kept getting head in the dark.”

Guru: “ My character and actions though the current source of TRP ratings for all those media jackals out there, you’re not here for that because what ever you said earlier could’ve been very well conveyed to me directly by the 1800-CallaGuru line. Why take the effort to travel half way around the world, So what truly is your problem dude ?”

“ Though your promiscuous actions have betrayed my faith now, you’ve always been a guiding beacon in my dark times of self doubt. I am facing one such crisis now and since finding a new Guru’s gonna take some fair amount of google searching and background verification I decided to come to you for one last time for you’ve known me the longest.”

Guru: “ The vestiges of your faith in me flatter me, please continue btw howz your libido? I just hope now it’s not one of those dysfunction issues you had earlier. The regular practice of khandasana  i demonstrated in my youtube yoga video should strengthen it.  Ha ha, just messing with you kid. Pray please continue.”

“ My close relative passed away yesterday. My mom told me to console his wife and kids. I tried but I can’t seem to get myself to do it. Even though my heart goes out to them and I genuinely feel their pain and anguish but when I pick up the phone to call them the words don’t pour out. Last year when my sister passed away due to cancer I had no words to offer her shattered husband. Back in college when one of my friend’s father passed away and she poured out her grief to me all I could do was try and hug her. Why am I unable to express grief ? Why am I unable to cry ? Am I a stone hearted Shylock? I keep turning all this grief inwards unable to blurt it out. I always have the right words for my manipulative marketing campaigns but not for genuine sorrow and grief. why Guruji?why ?”

Guru: “ You’re a great Ad-Man in professional life but a bad actor in real life. Clever merchant of venice reference btw. Just because you don’t mouth your sorrow doesn’t mean you are a bad person. You just need to practice in front of the mirror daily. Unspoken words are more powerful than relentless verbose spewage. You feel sorry but cant’ say you’re sorry. WTF is the big deal man. If it was in your power you would try to bring peace to the whole world thus following Mahatma gandhi’s principles and eliminating Guru’s like us. What’s your next question. Hey this Q & A format is good re.”

“ The other day someone asked me a question I’ve already dreaded ‘What do you want to do with your life ?’ It literally pulled the persian rug under my gucci shoes . As demonstrated by the copious black money I’ve pumped into your charitable tax exempt trust over the years wealth is not a problem. Childhood experiences of penury had left me scarred for life. Accumulation of wealth was the sole motto of my life. Even after making my first million many a times I used to wake up in the nights wetting my pants on dreamed up horrors of financial crisis. So I went ahead and made a billion.”

Guru: “ I have to quote warren buffet on this : ‘ I always knew I was going to be rich. I don’t think I ever doubted it for a minute.’ Nice quote rite! Gimme a minute to tweet that out to my dweeple. Yea so the moment I first met you I knew you had a fire to earn, earn and earn. But I din’t figure out that  it would become the sole obsession of your life. Wealth may complete you but it corrupts you in the process. Give it all away and read Robin S. Sharma’s : The monk who sold his ferrari. A New York Times best seller. Once you read it you’ll know what to do with your life.”

“ Will i ever fall in love again? ”

Guru: “ ‘Pyaar sirf ek baar hi hota hai. Shaadi baar baar.’ His name is Khan and he is awesome.”      

“Why does one’s childhood have such a grip on the way one’s future gets shaped ?”

Guru: “It’s a ninja thing, you wouldn’t understand.”

“Fear is such a strong emotion and ego is such a strong force, why?”

Guru: “ Like Deepak Chopra says in why is God laughing ‘ You are born with fear and die with fear. Fear is as ancient as the human race itself.’ Fear of indecent exposure made man design clothes and fear of aids made him invent the contraceptive sheath. Go with the flow. But if you wish to conquer fear walk up to your boss and yell at him. Ego is a different ball game altogether. Positive forces strengthen your ego eg. orgasm. negative energies stifle your ego. eg. constipation.”

“I believe in the concept of swarg,narak, soul, dharma, karma. Why can’t I see God?”

Guru: “ e-bay has fantastic god vision goggles for sale by some dude from Nigeria; sounds like a scam to me though. Why do you wish to see God anyways ?”

“ So that I can ask him why my life is rife with strife”

Guru: “ You don’t need God for that. Hire a dietician and drop 20 pounds.”

“ Remind me why I worshipped  you as my Guru in the first place ? “

Guru: “ Sishya you came to me at a troubling stage in life. I gave you the answers you sought in hope that latter as you outgrew your issues you would find the answers for new challenges on your own and in the process deepen your understanding of the ever pervading life giving bramhan. God doesn’t have any favorites and he definitely doesn’t play dice. All your misery is because of your karma. God hasn’t distanced himself from you; you’ve moved away from him but he never stopped loving you or caring for you. He doesn’t seek your oblations or respects as he is a force much higher than our plain human consciousness can comprehend. nature is God in his purest form. Unrestrained and unpredictable. This force is so strong that it’s capable of destroying the very life it created. Just because someone you knew or liked died doesn’t give you a right to complain about favorites; life and death are all matters of the mysterious thing called destiny. Destiny is like anti-matter that Einstein predicted. Humans were cast in the image of God, pure and unblemished but we were dictated by our dicks and had to go and fight it out over trivial matters like girls thus effectively distancing ourselves from God. God just  intended for all his creation to reach the penultimate goal of a fulfilled, dream clinching, satisfying existence. But wicked man in order to achieve it harmed other men. His pinnacle of success was built on the foundation of many trampled and dead bodies hence causing a disruption in the force and unbalancing the ying and yang. To see GOD: be pure, do pure deeds. Lead a blessed life. In fact I myself haven’t seen him till now. I just keep bullshitting all  these mindless hordes that throng my ashram.”

One thought on “I need answers, like right now”

  1. “Hey this Q & A format is good re.” … ROFL.. big time!

    If you don’t become the writer that you want to be… you would have missed your true calling 🙂

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