in life, in death

My friend Vamsee recently had a terrible family tragedy. I grieve for his loss. He seems to me to have been shaken. Now let me tell you a little something about Vamsee. He’s sorta a mentor to me. When I was drowning in an ocean of sadness and bordering obsessive depression he threw me a line. He gave me perspective and enlightenment and set my mental faculties on track. I can’t comment on his current state of mind but one thing I can always vouch for, this man never flinched in the face of gut busting problems; when the rest of the sheep bleats out ‘ we are so fucked’ he would stand up in the front and always say ‘what the fuck is the big deal man!’. So, a beautiful poem he penned in the memory of his sister made me cry. It’s a heartbreaking work of staggering genius.

when she cried,I cried too,and
all it did was to wet my tshirt
for, sisters always cry
for all the simple things
right?
who thought she had so much pain in her heart
until I read her diaries
to be read by others
after her demise
as she instructed
I see a natural philosopher
set of rules to live life
so that all that pain
never repeat again.
she lived alone
fought alone
died alone.
as she predicted.
found love,
a tad too late,
too short

I recently read ‘Buddha by Deepak Chopra’.Now that book’s not the I-Ching of world religions and I  may not have a perfect understanding of the tenets of Buddhism but what I understood to be the bottom line was ‘each of us is born free and have to be that way. All relationships/attachments/suffering are an evil veil of maaya that obstruct man from reaching his true potential; that of a Buddha.’ If God created us in an image of himself and HE himself gave us family, friends and all that jazz, I ask why ? If we were born to be free then why are we given these attachments? Not that I seek to detach myself and all. This is where my mind blanks out. Are you given so that it can be taken away some day ? Make hay while the sun shines, is it? Pain is mandatory, suffering is optional ? what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger ? What point is the creator trying to make ? Some one enlighten me PLEASE… If every day of your waking life is lived in fright of that one dreadful phone call where’s the zing in life ? I am guessing all my confusion stems  from being rigidly attached to the tenets of my orthodox upbringing i.e. Dharma. Wouldn’t it be just easy to put everything in terms of cause and effect, but that leaves out the miracles part and I believe in miracles damit.  Am I trying to comprehend knowledge that I am not prepared for yet ? or do I go atheist ? I need a metaphysical paradigm shift. As an educated person you’re always groomed to take an educated guess. But my education doesn’t allow me to guess. It’s either yes or not. Are you in or are you out types. A deal breaker, a gordian knot and what not. There are sometimes when I look up to the heavens and ask “ damn is this really happening to me ?” and sometimes it’s  “ wow ! this is happening to me” I deride for a moment, I thank in an another. Duality. Does this make me phony ? Being one thing and at the same time being another ? or is this the onset of early mental illness. Whom do you turn for advice when everyone you ask is trying to rub their ideas/ideals on to you ?  Why can’t things be left to self interpretation. But again how do we know if our self interpretation is  right unless we have something to compare it against ? look to nature for answers? I was born Intelligent, Education ruined me?  Some seek answers in the heavens, some seek answers from soul searching, I seek partly from both. Or is it that I choose whatever answers my current query the best ? Where are gurus  like Sri Ramakrishna Paramahansa who could answer with a straight face to a questioning Vivekananda “ Yes I have seen GOD.”  There are questions that must be asked without expecting easy and pleasing answers. Is the purpose of the human race only to be born, copulate, die? Is this the vision the architect of the man had ? If yes, then I don’t see why I am ranting up to this point. haha. good night.sleep tight.

        Why did God command Abraham to sacrifice Isaac is a question that still baffles me ?

 Why is god laughing ? May be because he gets the joke.” – comedian, Mickey Fellows

Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense.” – Edward Blake/The Comedian/watchmen

4 thoughts on “in life, in death

  1. >I was very sorry to hear about Vamsee's loss. And as for your questioning, Dharma has more answers than you think. You won't find answers in Dharma whilst walking down Jornal st. or brooding over your problems under the Manhattan Bridge. You need to follow Dharma. Read the scriptures Sid who says following Dharma doesn't mean encountering miracles? Satya Harishchandra is the perfect example.Too small space to discuss this. Maybe next time we meet. Till then, may Pranitha's soul R.I.P and hope VK gets over it although its too early to ask him that.

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